listening to disco (in the bath, my bedroom, everywhere)

i’m lying in the bath listening to ‘what’s a girl to do’ by fatima yamaha. my face is bleeding. i haven’t got a nose bleed, or anything else along those lines- i’ve just been picking at my chin; my cheeks. lately, i’ve been breaking out more than ever before. it’s because i’m stressed, anxious; constantly nervous in a way that i’ve never experienced. this year has been rough on my mental health in so many ways that i never thought possible, and my skin’s been showing it – no matter what time of the month it is, there’s a zit sneaking up somewhere, reminding me of how stressed i feel. even in the most mundane moments, i’m riddled with tension. i’ve been experiencing so much discomfort in my own space that it’s started appearing in physical ways – not just in my skin, but in a bunch of other ways, too. like what i’ve felt like listening to. all i’ve been listening to is disco. and funk, among other things.

i don’t know if my sudden interest in disco (and funk, and house music, and whatever else) has that much to do with my current mental health status. but i’ve been thinking about it a lot, and i’ve decided that it does, because i’m into this concept i’ve come up with. basically, for the last month, i’ve been filling every silence with grooves. i used to only listen to this kind of music when i felt like dancing – like, when i was about to go out with friends and we needed to warm ourselves up. but in my downtime i would always settle back down to quiet music – no matter what, i’d be coming home to joni’s ‘blue’ at the end of the night. but lately it’s not just been my downtime that i’ve started filling with grooves – it’s literally been every silence. i shower to maria kozic, i eat lunch to fonda rae, i fall asleep to duran duran. i can no longer deal with my own settled in, quiet time. i can’t wind down because i’m constantly looking up another website to stream hours of disco from (this page i scoured out here is good). it’s never ending. and i know that the way i’m describing all of this sounds like some sort of living-hell-experience with no silences, but i’ve found so much goodness in this. so, hear me out.

basically, i’ve been filling every silence because i’ve been afraid of being alone with myself – with my mental health all muddled up, i’ve been trying my best to keep the quiet as far away as i can, so i won’t have to listen to myself think. if i let myself think too long, i get stuck – reverberating between my own walls, i feel enclosed and confined by my own brain in a way that feels claustrophobic; like my sense of self starts threatening my real self. if i fill the silences, i can’t hear my sense of self speak – she gets drowned out, so instead, i can only focus on my real self: my physical self. this is the girl you’re seeing;  the girl you’re hearing as you’re reading this. she’s the girl you know, and the girl i’m trying to get to know again. it’s easier for me to get to know this girl again if i concentrate on my tangibility; my concrete identity. one of the best ways i’ve realised i can do this is through dancing. so in comes the disco.

dancing in your bedroom is one of the best ways you can learn to inhabit your own body again. i mean, i know i’ve been living in my body this whole time, regardless of where my mental health has been leading me – but when my insides feel like they’re in shambles, i start to feel a sense of disconnect between the whirlpool inside my head and what’s really going on, outside in the real world, beyond me. dancing has been one of the best ways i’ve realised i can reconnect with my physicality; the real world. it’s important to me that these reconnecting experiences take place in my bedroom, specifically, because it’s important that no one else is around to watch me have these moments. i mean, i know that dancing among friends is fun, but in order to re-inhabit myself in the right way, it needs to just be me. me, my bedroom, my disco, and my bad skin. it’s one of the only ways i’ve learnt to be alone with myself, and it’s so much fun. being alone is less frightening when fatima yamaha is keeping me company.

i’ve compiled a playlist of what i’ve been grooving to lately. i recommend you listen to it in your bedroom, with you and only you. listen in on 8tracks here.

all my love,

maddy

(PS. we’re compiling a video that will go with this post. it’s a homage to bedroom grooves – if you, or anyone you know, resonates with experiences of dancing alone, feel free to send a clip of you dancing to lucky star by madonna to somethingoodgirls@gmail.com – we’d love to see yr moves!)

listening along, across tasmania – grounded but floating, still

whilst living together for around two weeks, we listened to music – a lot. thinking back, i can barely think of any quiet – whether it was from someone’s speakers, finger-tapping on denim, or a hum from the back of someone’s throat, music was always coming from somewhere. driving from the peak of tasmania down to hobart, we listened, we sang – we hummed along the horizon line. making dinner together, doing dishes together, we danced across the kitchen to madonna. we woke up to lust for youth (which, for charlie, is the best way to start the morning). we bounced around, pulling stockings on and pulling hair up to HINDS. and by the time we made it home, we settled down to something quieter – curling up in the corner of the couch with thick socks on, watching the fire burn. altogether, being in tasmania was grounded, but only just. in-between, we danced, we sang – we floated. this playlist tries to emulate this feeling as well as it can. listen in on 8-tracks, here.

all my love,

maddy

first impressions: listening in

“something good” is what’s hovering above us when we’re all together. it’s the feeling in the air when aayushi knocks on your door with her tarot box under her arm; it’s the steam that fills the room when charlie’s making you a cup of tea without you ever needing to ask her to. something good is what i’m searching for as i pull myself out of bed every morning – it’s the feeling i need to find my footing. and i find this feeling in my female friendships; in the girls that i know well.

but you don’t know us yet! as “us”, we are aayushi, charlie, and me, maddy. we’re new here. we’ve only just begun to stretch our necks out, standing up on tip toes to see the world ahead. we’re still new – to ourselves, as well as you. we’re still stretching out our fingers, learning to type to you what we love, who we are, and what we know. and at this moment, we’ve still got a lot of getting-to-know-eachother to do.

below is a playlist of songs for you to get to know us. the songs have been piled on top of each other by me and me alone – aayushi and charlie had no input, aside from the peter bjorn and john song which i put in for them, because i know it reminds them of a gossip girl episode. these songs aren’t necessarily indicative of who we are – but they’re songs i can picture us all listening to. whether it’s charlie spinning around her bedroom in her nightie or aayushi curled up at the foot of the bed, these songs are what i hear when i want to fill up our silences. so i’d love for you to listen in as you navigate who we are, and how you know us.

listen to “first impressions” on 8tracks here.

all my love,

maddy